Driven By My Fears

One of the many things on the list of fears is ultimate failure. I would define ultimate failure as the inability to smile at ones reflection, or the inability to identify any relevant success. With the anniversary of my twenty sixth year of living approaching I have found myself reflecting on the different stages of my life. At times I feel as though I could have put in a little more effort, or at least been consistent in them. But the majority of the time I gain clarity on why I operated the way that I did during those early stages of development. Generally I focus on the educational aspects, my performances in high school and college. My high school career was a roller coaster, some semesters I did well, other semesters I did less well and then there were those semesters that were a little less than less well. But even with the inconsistency of my academic performance, I was not disappointed in myself, I was more so upset about disappointing my parents. For whatever reason I knew that I wouldn't fail a class, and I knew that I would succeed so I never stressed much. I took that lackadaisical attitude to college, and was able to walk across the stage four years after I enrolled in the summer of 2002.

Something that I have put together is that a lot of our academic achievements weigh heavily upon the hand of man (our professors). I learned that the hard way my freshman year, when I encountered a math professor who gave me no credit for a page of work saying that I didn't show how I got the right answer, when I had a page of work leading to the answer. Unfortunately for me I allowed the professor to negatively affect my educational drive. But I learned that you have to have confidence in yourself, your intelligence, and your potential, regardless of what anyone says. Even if they are the person that can tarnish your college transcript forever. Now that I am out of college I have to wonder if I maintained the initial motivation and excelled academically, would my professional options be different today. Hmmmmmm.....Being the optimistic individual that I am I know that I am where I am for a reason, and that is the end of that. Yes there are some frustrating days!!! How many GIGS can one person have?!? *deep breath Maryam* I look at my gigs as an opportunity to invest time into my baking.

I love the kitchen. Not just baking, but the entire cooking process. How simple ingredients can create something magical. When flour, milk, sugar, eggs and butter are involved the options are endless. Biscuits, cakes, cookies, brownies, blondies, or just something that you come up with.

Regardless of the should ofs and could ofs I am loving where I am, because every aspect of my baking journey has been blessed. I just have to keep positively affirming myself, pushing those fears to the back burner because if you can believe it then it will be achieved. Until next time...

This cake was for a co-workers work baby shower. Strawberry and yellow sheet cake with cream cheese frosting. The polka dots were hand made with candy melts and the word baby was made using a candy mold.




This is a number one cupcake cake. There were three flavors of cupcakes used, chocolate, strawberry and coconut, and it was frosted with a cream cheese frosting.

Similar convos

It seems as though no matter where I am, I can find someone who is on a similar life journey as I am. Not to long ago I worked the evening shift at my job. Me volunteering to sit by the front doors during the NA and AA groups gave me the opportunity to talk in depth with a co worker that I normally give a polite smile to. Although we had probably worked together a couple dozen times, we'd never spoken before. He is older than I am, and has had differnt experiences, but he went from mananging a unit of a hospital to learning how to create things from wood. He was modest in his speech, but our conversation just reasured me that I am headed in the right direction.

I had another engaging conversation with an inspirational woman at a beauty salon. About a month ago I decided that I was going to cut my hair. Now, some may think that since I cover my hair (I am a Muslim woman that covers her hair), I lack the attatchment that most women have with their hair. That is completly untrue. I get my hair pressed somewhat regularly, and in between hair appointments I wash and flat iron it myself. Even though I love my hair I felt that it was time for me to see it in a new light, from its beginging stages. I made an appointment with a natural hair stylist; I didnt go to my regular beautician because I had to make this change alone.I had to get a feel for it before I recieved the opinions of my friends and family, and I have known my beautician since I was a child. When I arrived at the salon, I was greeted and after fillinng out some paper work my hair was already getting washed. The lady who was washing my hair began to tell me how she started off at one college aspiring to be a doctor, transferred to a state college and after taking several classes she decided to major in finance. After working in finance for a while, she sparked an interest in hair care, and she persued her interest by watching others already in the field and by asking lots of questions. And now she has a successful hair salon that specializes in maintaining your hairs natural curl. Initially I didnt realize that the lady washing my hair was the owner of the salon. When she was done washing she went on about her business, and after our conversation I had to smile becasue the universe keeps whispering to me "keep up the good work, your headed in the right direction".

My best friend is moving to New York, for her going away gift I made a Sex and the City themed basket. I made Chanel bags, high heel shoes, taxi cabs and martini glass sugar cookies and some vanilla cupcakes with a chocolate frosting. It turned out fab!I hope you enjoy the pictures.

Until next time...

Giving Some Thanks

Tunnel vision can be dangerous. Sometimes I find myself so obsessed with obtaining a "fulfilling" career that I loose sight of all of the other amazing things around me. When was the last time you gazed at the stars at night? I would not have been able to answer this question if google maps hadn't decided to lead my husband and I through the mountains on our way home from Thanksgiving with the family in Philadelphia. During our turbulent drive we passed through a town that had star in its name, the sky of this town was full of stars. It was so beautiful. As I drove, or rode, through the town I found myself wondering if I could remember looking at the stars in my regular routine. Knowing that I make no time to appreciate the gifts that God has placed on this earth saddens me.

I have to thank google maps for allowing me to realize that I have to take life slow. Enjoy the moments, while planning for the future. There are so many things that I want to do. I want to be able to appreciate nature, without the bug bites and allergies. I want to grow vegetables, walk more, recycle, and volunteer. I want it all. The amazing thing about my wants is that they generally become reality. Even though tunnel vision is dangerous, it allows you to accomplish goals. The secret to it is being aware of the things around you so that you don't miss out on all of the greatness that surrounds us.

Thank you Allah for blessing me with a wonderful family, a great husband, supportive friends, steady income, health, motivation, drive, perspective, personality, humor, knowledge, opportunity and every life lesson that I have learned, the difficult ones as well as the graceful ones.

Until next time...

Happy New Years!!!

First off I have to apologize for my absence. Unfortunately life got the best of me. My husband's transition to a new job, a new residence, my new job, and so many other things lead to me being completely exhausted. I gave myself two months off of life, and slowly but surely I am returning. I have to improvise until I can go on vacation, so if a mental vacation is what I need, then a mental vacation is what I get.

One fear that I think about daily is getting comfortable in a not so comfortable situation. Allowing time to pass and ending up in the same place that I started. Its not a far fetched fear. It happens everyday. You go to work to pay your bills, then you have children, so you are working to pay bills and take care of your children, and the next thing you know you are stuck. That fear is what is motivating me to put energy only in things that interest me. I have been employed at a place for four years, and I have hated it for three years. Some people say well, get another job...And what I say to them is give me another job. I have applied, followed upped, called, personalized, visited, and for whatever reason I was stuck in that miserable situtaion. Don't get me wrong I am grateful for being employed in this economic crisis, and I don't think that I am to good for any situation. But I know my potential and personality, and what it comes down to is that I am tired of people telling me what to do. I am tired of waking up dreading the next eight to sixteen hours, and I don't believe that is how my valuable time should be spent. Fortunately for me my patience paid off, and I am now a....nanny. Although this is not a career either, it is a wonderful break from the stress that I endured at the psychiatric hospital.

I am so grateful and proud of how much I accomplished in 2010. I set out a goal and achieved it. MarYumms is real!! Out of all of the answers to the "what am I going to do with my life" question, the only answer that makes me happy is establishing MarYumms as a real business. But as soon as I get excited about that idea, I become overwhelmed with anxiety, and fear of failure. But I am not going to allow those negative emotions to prevent me from fulfilling my dream. Last years goal was met, so with a new year comes a new goal. 2011 will be the year of cakes. Last year if anyone asked if I did cakes, I told them no but soon. This year I am taking cake orders! I have already created three beautifully delicious cakes. With God's help by the end of this year I will be ready to do wedding cakes. Now that will be amazing.

I have posted pictures of my first three cakes, I hope that they make you crave MarYumms, lol.

Until next time...



Strawberry cake with a strwaberry butter cream frosting. Please ignore the script, this is not the final version of the cake, I didnt capture the alterations.



Black forest cake. Chocolate cake with a cherry filling, vanilla frosting and chocolate shavings on the sides.



Marble cake with chocolate filling and chocoalte frosting.

Learned Behaviors

With this new found hunger for life I have found myself reflecting on everything that pertains to me. The way that I grew up, my family, my friendships, the things that make me happy, the things that make me sad, pretty much everything about my existence. Something that I have recently realized is that I have never found anyone quite like me. I have three sisters and one brother, we look alike, but we all have completely different personalities. And believe it or not I am the odd ball. Its not that bad, its fun, and its the truth. Here is an example of my odd ballness, my youngest sister's bday is October 24,my older sisters bday is December 25, my oldest sisters bday is June 26, and my brothers bday is January 28. Look at the day they were born, all in order, all that's needed is the 27th, good thing my bday is March 27th right....wrong its June 4th. There are other things that I can talk about but the truth of the matter is that I never had a problem with being different. From a young age I was comfortable in my skin. I didn't mind playing alone, or playing with others. I didn't see anything wrong with crying after my mother left me. I didn't care about matching clothes, or what my reflection looked like. I was never self conscious. I learned later in life that you are supposed to care what people think about you and have things that you don't like about yourself. I stopped wearing flip flops because I was told me feet were to big. I'm sure they are, but they are my feet and I didn't have much control over them, so why not embrace them. Once I realized that my feet are perfect simply because they are mine I did away with the sneakers and embraced my Fred flinstone hand feet.

In regards to my baking I sometimes find myself discouraged because there are so many wonderful cake decorators out there. Real artists making real art. I am just someone who is fiddling in a possible interest, there is no place for me in this culinary world. Or is there? When I find myself having the negative, counter productive thought I automatically challenge it and remind myself that I am not trying to be like the cake boss, or even the woman that I interned with. I am merely doing something that I enjoy and allowing others to be apart of my journey (by indulging in MarYumms yummies). I am going to leave my mark my way. I cant be the Maryam who put socks on with flip flops because everyone else had issues with themselves, I am going to embrace the Maryam who is comfortable with herself, flaws and all.

Pictured above is a splenda strawberry flower cake and a coconut number six cake, both received positive feedback so that is good with me.

Until next time...

Rolling with the times

I have been thinking about how in the good old days you could save your way to success. I see success in my future (not seeking wealth, but happiness, not despising getting up and going to work every morning), but I am having trouble with the saving part. I have always thought of my savings account as a postponed funds account. Every time I save X amount of dollars an unexpected expense occurs for nearly that same amount. In those situations I remain calm, and tell myself to be grateful for having that money and being able to hand the situation.
When I was younger I was under the impression that life simply happened. Things come to you with little to no effort. Things were supposed to happen, and if you did the first the rest would follow. College leads to a great job. Then you meet your wonderful husband and children follow. Now that I have experienced a little more of this thing called life I have learned that you have to make life happen (with the help of God of course). For three years I have gone to work simply to pay my bills, sometimes coming up short :( During those three years I applied for jobs religiously, jobs that I was over, under and perfectly qualified for, but have had no success. I personalized my resume, cover letters, emailed people in offices, went to businesses EVERYTHING!! And to my surprise that process has left me empty handed. Through it all I have remained optimistic, although my stinky attitude days came and went. And today I can tell you that my energy is no longer invested into landing that "dream job", all of my wonderful energy is invested in me making that dream job. So far so good :)
***I would like to thank EVERYONE who has supported MarYumms, it truly means a lot.
Until next time...

My life road map

Sometimes in the middle of being frustrated or confused about life I wonder why we weren't supplied with a life outline, blue print, road map, something. Something that allows us to know that we are headed in the right direction. Something that we can refer to that will ease the current stressors because we can peek ahead and see that there really is light at the end of the tunnel. Recently a light bulb went off, and I realized that I do have my own life map, my intuition. I have been developing a closer relationship with myself over the past couple of years. And through developing this relationship I have become very comfortable with listening to my heart and filtering through my mind, and that method has been very successful. When I reflect on my younger years, I realized that my biggest and hardest life lessons occurred when I put my instincts on the back burner, and allowed others to make decisions for me. That approach was easier at times, but they ended up leaving the scars that have lasted the longest. In life we have so many authority figures, laws, and moral guidelines that we tend to listen to ourselves last. In doing that I believe that we are missing out on our next set of directions, causing many of us to go into undesired directions. I do not know where I am going to be in a year from now, but I know that today I am in a very good place. And I am extremely grateful for that.

I am a believer in everything happening for a reason. Regrets don't exist, only life lessons. As you already know I would not mind having a real job, an environment in which I have an office, a place that would skip a beat if I was not there.Unfortunately, for the past four years I have been employed at a place in which I belong no where and cancels me when I am not needed. But regardless of my daily job woes I can say that my job has taught me an invaluable tool. The ability to identify a crazy person within moments of meeting them. Now that I am perfecting my skill, I have to remember that when I leave the confines of the hospital I will still encounter crazy people. I recently had an experience in which someone (not a customer, friend, co worker, just some random person) took it upon themselves to give me all of this criticism, when I have been hearing the opposite of their opinions from everyone else. Mind you this was not constructive it was out of the left field criticisms. I treated the individual normally, but I did get offended and upset. While telling my husband the story, I realized that the individual was crazy, and I should have treated them like I do the patients at work. With no emotional involvement, keeping calm and respond as if they were normal. That incident reminded me to keep my cradar (crazy people radar) on, because if you give into some one's madness it could ruin your day.

Yesterday I completed another flower cake (pictured above). This was the first one with chocolate fudge frosting. The fudge gave me some minor problems, but after I had a good talk with it, it changed its attitude. The happy birthday was supposed to be the flower's leaves :( Ill work on that for next time. Today I am selling after Juma, I am introducing a new flavor banana with chocolate cream cheese (pictured above). We will see if they sell out. Until next time...